I shouldn't be this happy at 6:30 a.m. on a Saturday. I mean, seriously, who is happy when they wake up at 6 a.m. on the weekend and can't get back to sleep? In what world is that normal?
But my initial stress at finding myself bright-eyed and bushy-tailed so early in the morning quickly vanished with a push of a button.
My regular weekend morning ritual, since I'm typically up (relatively) early anyway, is to surf through the channels looking for infomercials.
There. I admitted it. I'm an infomercial junkie.
Now, I personally prefer the kitchen gadget infomercials (knives, chopping devices, etc.) or the music compilation infomercials. I have actually never purchased anything as a result of an infomercial viewing, but one particular infomercial has shamelessly wooed me so many times.
The Holy Grail of all kitchen gadgets.
Takes up no more space on your counter than a coffee mug (not the most grammatically-pleasing claim, but I let it go).
Does any job in 10 seconds or less.
You'll want to use it every day, for every meal.
Have you guessed what it is yet?
That's right, it's the Magic Bullet.
See, this infomercial stands out from the rest. It's not the formulaic "host/inventor showing off to a studio audience that knows exactly when to 'ooh' or 'aah' accordingly". No, no, the Magic Bullet is completely different.
Mick and Mimi apparently had a wild shindig the night before, and every one of their friends stayed the night in their (apparently) ginormous house. So when they all stumble downstairs to the kitchen the next morning, in various states of disarray, they find their overly cheerful and perky hosts preparing breakfast for them with this fabulous machine that does so many different types of jobs, all in 10 seconds or less.
That's right, it chopped up everything AND whipped the eggs for the omelette in one container. Then, it made two different types of muffin batter. And did I mention the grinding of the coffee beans? Seriously, all the guests exclaim, what IS this magical device that will forever change the way I look at the world?
Now, there is one guest who is the naysayer in the group (there's always one...and you know who you are). Berman is the cranky one who doesn't believe anything Mick and Mimi tell him. Silly Berman. But even he's convinced after 30 minutes (only took me about five minutes, FYI...I always was more gifted than everyone else). Berman reminds me of the Sicilian from The Princess Bride (you know, the "inconceivable" guy? I do not think it means what he thinks it means).
Then there's Hazel. She's one of the worst possible houseguests to have in this day and age. She comes downstairs in her floral flannel nightgown (everyone else is actually dressed, might I add), talking like she's straight out of Brooklyn, sporting unfashionable cat-eye glasses with a glorious chain around them...and verbalizing her opinion around the cigarette dangling out of her mouth.
Now, it's obvious the ciggy is a prop. There is zero smoke coming off it, and the amount of ash that's at the end is approximately 2 inches long, and never falls off. Even a non-smoker like myself ain't buying that.
But still. The mere fact that she even has the ciggy is the most bizarre thing. I visibly cringe whenever Hazel leans over any of the food, just thinking that the ash is going to fall into the fresh, homemade salsa.
The rest of the guests are pretty non-descript. Most of them don't even really get addressed by name, or if they do, I can't be bothered to remember. I mean, who cares that much about the people when Mimi is making her chocolate chocolate chip peppermint milkshakes (not a single chocolate chip went into the blender attachment, can I just say).
So, after multiple viewings of this infomercial, I will gladly admit that it's my absolute favourite one. I didn't think anything could ever get better than that.
Well.
Imagine my surprise this morning.
Flipping through the channels, I come across the last ten minutes of an infomercial unfamiliar to me.
"Is that Mimi?" I inquire of my cat Percy. "And Mick? But what are they doing at the beach? Is this....could it be...A NEW MAGIC BULLET INFOMERCIAL???"
Yes, gentle readers, it certainly was. It was the Magic Bullet To Go, the new portable, cordless Magic Bullet system.
How? How can they continue to improve upon perfection? It's mindboggling.
And Mick and Mimi's other friends were there too! Berman was there, sporting a big floppy hat to keep the sun off (Berman looks like the type who would burn easily). And good ol' Hazel still hasn't kicked her nic habit yet. And Tina, the other blonde chick who I don't think had a name in the first infomercial, got one this time...and got trashed a few times by Mimi, might I add...little bitterness there, I think.
Now, the new chick, the most vocal one, was annoying. She was way too bloody perky, and no one in their right mind would keep a twit like that for a friend. She craps rainbows, I swear. No grazie.
I was so excited about this new infomercial that I hit the record button immediately. I have to show this to RM, my fellow Magic Bullet (and infomercial) junkie. Literally, we can recite the entire original MB script. But rather than be sad about that, we hold our heads high. Bet you can't do it...so there!
My goal for the remainder of the morning, and all of tomorrow morning, is to find the full version of this infomercial. I missed the first 20 minutes. I don't know how this all came about, and it's killing me. I have to know.
But I have to say, I have seen true happiness this morning. Life is good in the RPA household. Percy and I are thrilled that our friends are back on TV, giving us something new to look forward to memorizing.
Btw, if anyone feels the need to indulge themselves and purchase the Magic Bullet, you can order one from here. And, if you order in the next 7 minutes, you get an additional 21-piece system for free. I am more than willing to accept your generous gift of the free system as well. But hurry, this offer won't last forever!
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